Goodbye

I said goodbye to him this morning

under hushed voices,

whispering

as if it means more that way.

I said goodbye to him

like I say goodbye to everyone.

But he isn’t everyone.

I know that.

It’s just that I’ve gotten too good

at goodbye. 

Maybe I taught him to be good

at them too. 

Because there isn’t a me,

without an eventual goodbye.

Goodbye is a part of my life.

And I made it a part of his.

I’ve desensitized. 

There was a time 

where it hurt. 

So I learned to protect myself

because my lifestyle is completely

conducive to goodbyes.

I had to learn to be strong.

I would always promise 

that I’d come say hello and goodbye

to your face,

but eventually there was always

an excuse. 

An avoidance of goodbye. 

So, I hate goodbyes.

I had to learn to be 

good at them instead.

Arm outstretched,

smile on my face,

a promise of another meeting. 

My dad always said,

“long hellos, short goodbyes”

and I’d constantly remind myself

how small the world is.

And how much of it I would travel

to never have to say goodbye to people,

to say hello again. 

I said goodbye to him today

but I smiled.

Because this time,

I know it’s, “see you later”. 

 

 

 

He Told Me

I told him that my biggest fear was that he would walk away one day without a word, deciding I wasn’t worth an explanation.

I felt it was a legit fear, it had happened in 2 previous relationships.

It caused me to wonder what it was about me,
What I had done to deserve that kind of treatment from someone I considered an equal,
Someone I treated with respect.
What was it about me that made men up and walk away?

Then I realized that maybe I was intimidating?
Maybe I was hard to love because I wasn’t something solid you could tame,
Someone you could depend on to constantly reassure your manhood and your fixed place in my life.

I’m not safe.

I’m wild and unpredictable.
I have a hard enough time keeping my own plans.
So I couldn’t promise Christmases at your parents or dinner on Thursday nights.

I’m uncontrollable.

But control isn’t love.
Control is the opposite of love.
If you want stability…
You won’t find it with me.
If you want predictable…
Then,
I’m sorry darling but that just ain’t me!

I am who I am.
I’m messy and wild and if you can love me without the straight lines
and the full stops,
If you can love the blurry in between, fleeting moments,
Where I love you passionately then run off to my soul’s calling, leaving you alone again,
Then baby…
I hope you will.

I told him that my biggest fear was that he’d find me TOO much.
That he’d find me exhausting.
Too much.
After one partner walked away in silence my best friend told me,
“Darling, you’re just much too much-y!”

And he told me that his biggest fear was my fear.
His biggest fear was that I would be afraid,
That I wouldn’t need him enough,
Wouldn’t try to make room for him in my life.

So,
I did what I always do
and I left,
On my next adventure.
Back to the sea,
Back to my bliss.
And he said,
He said,
“If you love someone then you will respect someone free.”

And he let me go.

That was it.
Instead of loving me possessively,
He loved my spirit,
My soul,
My wandering feet,
And he told me to follow my heart and do what I had to.
He showed me a kind of love I’d always tried to show but never gotten back.

My biggest fear became miniscule and impermanent because his love is greater than that.
He loves me more than to limit my shine
And I love him across continents because I don’t need his permission
And he doesn’t need mine.

We are a tangled web of souls who found each other in the darkness.
We are to each other what the moon is to the tide,
Equal parts sky and sea.

He is my sun.
And because of his love,
His confidence,
His passion,
I know that I will inevitably circle back his way to feel that warmth once again.

The first step in letting go.

I hear it all the time, “just let it go”. I hear it at yoga, when I’m laying on my mat as I exhale what’s no longer serving me, I hear it from friends when something bad happens, I tell it to myself so I don’t get too worked up about things. Let it go, let it go, let it all go! In light of the new moon and new year approaching it’s gotten me thinking about the concept of really, truly letting go so I’ve decided to write about how sometimes letting it go actually isn’t the answer. Letting go can bring you to the answer, but the question itself is the first step in letting go. I learned how to meditate last year and one of the things we were taught was to “watch the thinker” or to be aware of the patterns in our brain and the way we speak to ourselves. I was told to acknowledge my thoughts as they are, with full acceptance of what is, and then let it go. You weren’t to focus too much on one single thing but simply acknowledge it’s presence and then move on. So, how can all of these things be related: letting it go, moving on, watching the thinker, and accepting what is?

I was thinking that sometimes letting it go isn’t the answer. Sometimes what we really need is a full acceptance of what is first. We need to acknowledge where these feelings are coming from and why they are there. If we don’t understand why we’re feeling this way then letting it go is easier said than done. Only if we can see these things for what they are and accept them without judgement can we eventually find our way into letting it go. And usually this comes before you even realize it, because you’ve already worked your way through by being able to subjectively “watch the thinker” and now you’ve found your way into the answers.

What I’ve been doing lately when I find myself annoyed or frustrated and in that in between state where I just want to say, “fuck it”, is instead of taking a moment to stop myself my first instinct is to quickly push the feelings out of the way. I know this doesn’t work. So I’ve been trying to ask myself the following questions:

What is it in this moment that’s making me want to “let it go”, “forget about it” or just say “fuck it”? What am I feeling right now and where does it come from? Perhaps I’m anxious because I feel rushed or because I cannot get ahold of someone right that very moment, and that’s okay! But that very moment where I acknowledge what it is I’m feeling, no matter how trivial, instead of judging myself for feeling that way, the minute I honor that part in myself that’s acting like a child, I find that more often than not the things I was feeling disappear and I can move past it with a clear head. That’s what we call, “watching the thinker”.

We’re all complex humans with our own thought patterns. We all have our own dramas we play out moment to moment and day to day, and to truly try to be objective about our own selves is no easy feat. The most important thing I’ve learned lately is it’s one thing to heighten our self awareness and acknowledge our own pity party, and it’s another thing to do it and continue to judge ourselves for the behavior. If you want to do it right make sure that the awareness stems from love. When you feel all the feels just take your moment, tell yourself it’s all okay and envision filling yourself with love or light. When you are watching the thinker you must always be coming from a place of love, not a place of judgement.

After thinking about this and reading various books and blogs over the years with different ideas of moving past things, or “letting them go” it began to raise questions for me about what I’ve learned that works the best for me, and that’s accepting what is. Accepting what is first is the only way that we can truly let things go. Accepting what is is acknowledging that things are what they are and they are out of your control. The only thing we can control is our emotional response to them, and even that cannot always be controlled but it can be understood and help bring us back to our own awareness. Then eventually we can let go of what no longer serves us from a place of love and understanding. It’s only then do we find our way into the answers without holding on to all the other baggage.

 

holding hearts is for adults.

It’s a lot of responsibility, holding a heart. It’s not something you play around with, and i know that now. I know what it feels like to hold the broken pieces in your hands and wonder what your next move is. I know how much it hurts to walk around, barely able to pick the pieces up, trying to figure out how to act calm and collected while silently plotting a pity revenge of some kind. In a small way, we feel that revenge is our right don’t we? That royal infraction on our heart deserves a kind of decree in the end. But when you’re standing there, broken, it’s hard to pull yourself out of that moment. It’s hard to see the end game amongst so many feelings. The anger makes us freeze in limbo for a few days, or months, or years, until we wake up one day and realize we’re past it all.

I’ve been on both sides of this heartbreak. I guess it kinda comes with the territory. At the age of 27, my life isn’t exactly conducive to relationships at this point. I’m kinda like the show Lost when it comes to those things… on the island, off the island, wait now we’re in the future? For real though, this is real people shit! I’ve spent essentially my entire life convinced that I don’t need a relationship. Even after I made a plan for Thailand, everyone I dated in the 2 years leading up to the big move began with a conversation that said, “I hope you realize I’m moving and this can’t be more than a casual thing”. I became too good at “casual things”, too good at saying goodbye, and I’ve always been an out-of-sight-out-of-mind kinda gal anyways…

Flash forward a few years, or 7… and I can’t say I’ve gotten out of that place exactly. I haven’t allowed myself a relationship, and I most definitely haven’t learned how to make myself vulnerable to anything or anyone besides my career and travels. It scares me shitless to be completely honest… I guess I’ve became so good at being alone and learning to rely on myself that it’s hard for me to give someone my heart and say, “hey, play nicely please”. Because love isn’t like that, it isn’t wrapped flawlessly in a box with a pretty bow and a users manual. It’s messy! It’s one person looking at another and trying to recognize them in a way that’s genuinely who they are. It’s me trying to break down a person to their core and still love every flaw and every part of them. It’s exhausting is what it is. And we’re never ready for that kind of responsibility. We’re never ready to hold someone’s heart, we’re not the best at it. But we leap all the time, straight into nothing because we’re human and we WANT to feel something. Anything. Especially love. We know what it’s like to love, sure… but to be IN love? Nah, that’s rare. I’m struggling right now trying to find my vulnerable self. I can’t remember what it looks like or feels like to be in love, but that part of me is becoming awake for the first time in so long. I’m trying to be honest with myself and with another about the state of my heart. I’m trying to fall in love at some point, I’m trying to let that feeling in.

At the end of the day I do want the happy ending. Unfortunately for me, I find it really hard to open up to anything unless I know it’s not permanent. If it has an end game, and I can say, “well hey, I leave in a few months anyways” it’s easy to me. But that’s not the point of relationships. You start relationships because you’re saying to that person that you want to see what can happen with them, not that you’re giving it a test period of a few months and then jetting across the country or world, never to be seen again. That’s not how this works. I know that now.

I know all of this now. But mostly I know that I want all of those things despite my vulnerability and the possible pain. I want to take that risk on someone even if it means that I could end up stumbling around trying to pick up the pieces of my scattered heart. I feel sorry for the great guys in the past that genuinely tried to give me their heart when I didn’t play nicely with it. We owe more than that to eachother… I owe more than that. I want to open myself up to all of the messiness of love. I want to leap without an end-game and without expectations. I, more than anything, owe that to myself.