The Girl I Used to Be

The girl I used to be wasn’t good for me. She wanted to be, she knew change was necessary for growth but for years she didn’t see her own worth. She could see what she was capable of but it always seemed too far out of reach, and every time she failed on the road to perfection she felt tempted to give up. She wanted to treat herself better but she didn’t know where to start.

So instead, she lived in a haze of negative self talk and limiting beliefs. She kept occasionally poor company because she failed to realize that who you surround yourself with is who you become. She did everything to excess but the greatest contradiction of them all is that more than anything, she craved balance- yet the only balance she knew was the constant pull of swinging between highs and lows… and searching for balance in extremes almost drove her to madness.

But balance doesn’t come from the external, it comes from the internal and all that tireless searching for something outside to fill the inside wasn’t ever going to be enough… And as she clawed onto life hoping that the universe would show her the way, she ignored all the signs because they weren’t the answers she was searching for.

She was happy “enough” and life looked “good enough” right? So who was she to struggle with such “weakness”? She thought she was weak because admitting powerlessness was opening up to judgement and she wasn’t ready to step into the work that comes with self awareness.

So she kept her gaze outwards, afraid of what she would find if she went in. She chased degrading sexual experiences not knowing her own power, not realizing that who you merge with sexually affects your mental health and your vibration. She let her demons out and claimed them as her own with pride because she thought that was who she was, and when the shame came she buried them down and judged herself. She didn’t know how to hold herself gently because sex and the body had always been an unhealed part of her, so she disconnected sex and emotion, once again, not wanting to look inwards.

She didn’t know how to say “no” and she didn’t know how to protect herself energetically so she gave everyone access to her and they slowly ripped her apart while she continued to hope that eventually, they would fill her back up. She gave, and gave, and gave… And her intuition had been telling her the whole time, had been trying to show her the path, but she wasn’t in a space of deep listening. She didn’t know how to connect to herself or that the journey to self love started by recognizing the ways in which her current coping mechanisms had failed her.

She was too scared to acknowledge what her intuition had always known- that there was another way. So she chased new experiences looking for validation and distraction still…

Until one day, at the point of physical, mental and spiritual exhaustion, she broke open and it ALL.CAME.OUT… and she couldn’t minimize it any longer. The only way out was through and she knew with heartbreaking clarity that the journey back to herself was about to be the most important one of her life. She realized that she had to fill herself up, and that whatever she was doing wasn’t working and wasn’t serving her; that she had to allow it all to break open so that what wasn’t meant to stay could fall away.

It was TERRIFYING. But the scariest thing of all was to continue down the path that she was on, expecting a different result without changing the action. She decided that no one else could save her and she refused to believe that she was a victim to her life. She started to put the pieces back together herself by loving the hurt and unhealed parts. She started with the small moments of gratitude. She searched for a community and started asking herself what felt good. She adjusted her self talk and analyzed her self worth and slowly the light started to come.

See, the girl I used to be wasn’t good for me. But I love that girl now and I honor her by sharing this story- because finding my voice started here. As I move into the woman I am now and the one I’m becoming I cannot forget where I came from because I have to acknowledge the road that got me here. Awakening isn’t pretty, it’s messy.

Sometimes we float, sometimes we sink.

I spent the last 4 months learning to let go. And by let go I mean let someone else in. That, to me, was letting go because I’m not the best at letting people in, at least not for very long, and definitely not commitment wise. But when you care about someone enough even the possibility of pain seems worth it, although getting myself to that place wasn’t easy. It took me 5 years to put the heartbreaks of my past into exactly that– my past. It took 5 years of being single to feel as if I was ready to be vulnerable again.

It took exactly 5 days to crush all of those things. 

Now, don’t get me wrong here- I’m not chasing the scattered pieces of my heart in the wind… but I am trying to pick up a very sad heart and a slightly bruised ego. I am trying to take the higher ground. I am trying to understand the reasons with an open heart and mind. I already got angry, then 2 days later I got really really reallllyyyyyy sad. Then by day 5, I didn’t have any feelings. I felt numb.

I appreciate when people have enough self awareness to point out their short comings. Awareness is always the first step, and the biggest! But actions speak louder than words, and at this point I’m waiting for the latter.

I’ve learned in the last 4 months that it was okay to leap. It was okay to let him in, and that it’s okay now to be hurt about the way the relationship exploded with possibility only to crumble into uncertainty over night. ALL of this is okay. I’ve learned that I’m okay, that I always have been and always will be. But mostly I’ve learned that hearts aren’t fragile, they’re actually quite resilient. And so am I.

I am still me, I am still enough. And I’m not angry, because I know from experience that you cannot love someone else until you love yourself first. I already spent the last 5 years dating myself and learning who I am. Just because I’m past that doesn’t mean others are. And timing sometimes sucks. But I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older that maturity is, “beginning to accept your defeats with your head up and and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child”.

We are all okay, and we are all so much more than enough. Don’t forget that. This is the first time I’ve stumbled and only allowed myself to fall half-apart. A good cry never hurt anyone. In the end though, we lace our shoes back up and we start running. Running in the direction that makes us happy and fulfilled. That’s my self love.