Month: August 2019

She was the bottom.

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She was the bottom. The one that finally held up a mirror and I remember sitting on the cement floor, in the garage and staring into the bottom of the glass, knowing I was done.

I would never tell her this… because she would think it was her fault and I would never want her to carry the burden. If anything, I am thankful. She was only the reflection- the final broken piece of the mirror, and I know now that rock bottom isn’t really a bottom–

it’s a mirror.

It’s the moment where you truly see who you have become and where you’re going so clearly. I was looking into her face and hearing her words– so angry and judgmental and hurtful and I recognized parts of myself in her. It was an incredibly sad moment of reckoning–

A reckoning on a cold cement floor, 3 bottles of wine deep, watching your soul leave your body temporarily, allowing the demons in… the black and white checkered floor became a reflection of my own struggles and when I sat, looking through the smoke filled haze that resembled oil meeting water in my mind…

THERE’S THE LINE. I can see it so clearly now…

I cannot exist in both.

I cannot exist in both.

I cannot exist in both.

 

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maybe the answers never come?

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Every time the cosmos shift, I start seeking the answers to us.

I plant my feet in the sand and as I look up,

I close my eyes for a second,

I like the moonlight on my face.

 

I see our futures so clearly intertwined,

I love you so fearlessly and unconditionally yet,

I wonder how I can feel so full of fire for you,

yet, unattached.

 

Have I grown independent from this time apart

or has my heart expanded enough to allow love,

in all its various forms,

to come in?

I think of you now and I feel a warmth,

A security that I’d been craving…

wanting for us.

 

I have sought out the crash of the waves and

the energy of the moon

for as long as I can remember,

Even though I know it doesn’t have the answers,

only lessons.

 

And aren’t we just here to make mistakes and learn lessons?

And maybe if we illuminate our hearts enough,

we can start building the next evolution of “us”-

one where multiple realities don’t play out in my head

and it’s you and me,

around the fire,

recommitting to us–

burning old bridges,

so together,

we can rise.