I told him that my biggest fear was that he would walk away one day without a word, deciding I wasn’t worth an explanation.
I felt it was a legit fear, it had happened in 2 previous relationships.
It caused me to wonder what it was about me,
What I had done to deserve that kind of treatment from someone I considered an equal,
Someone I treated with respect.
What was it about me that made men up and walk away?
Then I realized that maybe I was intimidating?
Maybe I was hard to love because I wasn’t something solid you could tame,
Someone you could depend on to constantly reassure your manhood and your fixed place in my life.
I’m not safe.
I’m wild and unpredictable.
I have a hard enough time keeping my own plans.
So I couldn’t promise Christmases at your parents or dinner on Thursday nights.
But control isn’t love.
Control is the opposite of love.
If you want stability…
You won’t find it with me.
If you want predictable…
I’m sorry darling but that just ain’t me!
I am who I am.
I’m messy and wild and if you can love me without the straight lines
and the full stops,
If you can love the blurry in between, fleeting moments,
Where I love you passionately then run off to my soul’s calling, leaving you alone again,
I hope you will.
I told him that my biggest fear was that he’d find me TOO much.
That he’d find me exhausting.
After one partner walked away in silence my best friend told me,
“Darling, you’re just much too much-y!”
And he told me that his biggest fear was my fear.
His biggest fear was that I would be afraid,
That I wouldn’t need him enough,
Wouldn’t try to make room for him in my life.
I did what I always do
and I left,
On my next adventure.
Back to the sea,
Back to my bliss.
And he said,
“If you love someone then you will respect someone free.”
And he let me go.
That was it.
Instead of loving me possessively,
He loved my spirit,
My wandering feet,
And he told me to follow my heart and do what I had to.
He showed me a kind of love I’d always tried to show but never gotten back.
My biggest fear became miniscule and impermanent because his love is greater than that.
He loves me more than to limit my shine
And I love him across continents because I don’t need his permission
And he doesn’t need mine.
We are a tangled web of souls who found each other in the darkness.
We are to each other what the moon is to the tide,
Equal parts sky and sea.
He is my sun.
And because of his love,
I know that I will inevitably circle back his way to feel that warmth once again.